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The night they came for the celery

By Tom Morgan


Well, my grandchildren, it all began many years ago with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). She got herself elected back when Donald Trump was president. AOC mounted an attack on cauliflower. She said that growing cauliflower in community gardens is a “colonial approach” and the reason communities of color oppose environmentalist movements.

I forgot. You lil’ ones don’t know what cauliflower is, do you? Now that it’s extinct. Well, it looked like snow-white brains. Wasn’t bad, as vegetables go. But AOC said we had to kill it off — to be politically correct.

As you know, she gained more power and allies over time. Together, they got the EPA and the Agriculture Department to get rid of cauliflower. Raided cauliflower fields in the dead of night, they did. Banned it at restaurants. Burned down seed warehouses.

AOC and her allies attacked one vegetable after another. Watermelons were too racist. They had to go. Brussels sprouts and radishes and Kiwi fruit, well they reminded women of male apparatus. So, they had to be banned. They were sexist. Same thing happened to zucchini. Bananas, they were racist, of course, and also had to go.

Those were tumultuous days I’ll tell you, lil’ ones. We all remember that awful night — the Germans called it “Celerynacht” — where armies of AOC henchmen went house to house, field to field to wipe out celery overnight. I can’t recall what they had against celery, but it had to go.

It was a sad day when the pumpkins were polished off, I gotta tell you. You see, they had some religious connection, going way back.

Meanwhile, they slaughtered all the cows and cattle because of their farting. The sheep because they were followers and cowardly and had religious connections too (Lamb of God and whatnot.).

And they wiped out the goats because of ageism. You know, old goats and all that. Bye-bye went chickens because of inhumane living conditions. Adios pigs because they were pigs. The religions that got really large didn’t like pigs.

Well, grandkids, after a while there wasn’t much left. Between the sexism and the racism and the atheism and the colonialism, there weren’t many foods left to eat.

Some of us ate bark for a while. But the tree huggers put an end to that.

To make a long story short, this is why our diets these days are mostly schlub — as you well know. That was a name generated by artificial intelligence. They figured a name like schlub wouldn’t offend anyone. And nobody can figure out what it’s made out of, so it’s pretty safe.

We used to have black schlub and brown schlub and yellow schlub. Those were the good ole days when we had variety. But they were found to be offensive to different races. So, these days we’re down to grey schlub and green schlub. Which is what grey schlub looks like if you leave it in the fridge too long. Ha, ha! That’s a joke, lil’ ones.

Anyway, we are now politically correct with our grub. And there’s no need to cook schlub. Because cooking it would release CO2 or something into the atmosphere. Can’t have that, you know — it would screw up the climate. As you know, the world will be snuffed out in 12 years. It’s been that way for 70 years now.

Schlub or no schlub, we’re gonna cop it. So says AOC. She’s 100 years old now. Never stops her yapping. I reckon she’s the queen of schlub.

So, grandchildren, eat your schlub. Clean up your plates for Grandpa. And drink your schlug.

From Tom…as in Morgan.         

Tom Morgan writes about political, financial, and other subjects from his home in upstate New York. Contact him at, read more of his writing at, or find him on Facebook.

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